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) folks, i was truly upset when i heard my favorite newspaper, the "u.s.a. today" was getting a dramatic redesign. turns out i was worrying for nothing because, in a digital era where print media is struggling, "u.s.a. today" is focusing their energy where it counts: the logo. (laughter) as publisher larry cramer wrote in the relaunch issue "our new logo will be as dynamic as the news itself." and, ladies and gentlemen, did they deliver. prepare to feast your eyes on the "u.s.a. today's" new logo! boom! a blue circle! (laughter) there it is! serendipitously this ises a a pie chart showing the percentage of people confused by the "u.s.a. today's" new logo. (applause) kramer calls this a living logo. (laughter) the first one since they had to put down the m.g.m. lion after he ate those munchkins. (laughter) and in a the "u.s.a. today" exclusive, i learned that the "u.s.a. today's" new logo will be an info graphic that changes with the news, containing a photo or image that represents key stories of the day. like this one in the money section, the shopping cart. right there, okay? (laughter
.g.m. lion after he ate those munchkins. (laughter) and in a the "u.s.a. today" exclusive, i learned that the "u.s.a. today's" new logo will be an info graphic that changes with the news, containing a photo or image that represents key stories of the day. like this one in the money section, the shopping cart. right there, okay? (laughter) in the life section, this kind of round leaf right there and for sports, this red dot wearing a cowboy hat which i'm gonna say represents the sport of tomato rodeo. (laughter) i think. i don't know. but from now on, when news breaks that's circular in nature the "u.s.a. today" will be all over it, folks. whether it be about planets, tractor tires, the wheel of fortune, pizzas, bagels, pizza bagels or cee-lo green's head. (laughter) although-- (applause). although if spongebob squarepants ever chokes on a dorito at the pentagon-- (laughter). -- you won't read about it in the "u.s.a. today." (laughter) so bravo, the "u.s.a. today" for your bold redesign where every logo in every section will be changed everyday to reflect a different news story in cir
with chris christie who while not technically hispanic s at least 50% nacho. that's why... that's why this week unovision meet the candidates forum hosted both romney then obama, fold of course by a guy in an ape suit and a giant red grasshopper. and folks, romney had clearly prepared himself to appeal to latinos because here he is monday on the campaign trail. and here he is last night on univision. (applause) now clearly he wants it, clearly he wants it. apparently he just entered the spray can booth and cramped it up to montelbon. and he waste nod time putting their minds at east about his immigration policy. >> we're to the going to round up people around the country and deport them. that's not lipp lepp i said during my primary campaign time again we're to the going to round up 12 million people, the kids and parents and have everyone deported. >> stephen: no, that sounds like a lot of work. no, he is going to do what he said in his primary campaign time and again. >> well, the answer is self-deportation which is people decide that they can do better by going home because they ca
. republican parties don't last long once the black guy shows up. (cheers and applause) and to fight for the g.o.p.'s very existence we have chosen mitt romney as our standard bearer. unfortunately, no one can stand or bear him. (laughter) even some conservatives like peggy noonan who cut loose in the "wall street journal" saying "it's time to admit the romney campaign is an incompetent one." now, that sounds harsh but she issued a correction two days later saying, "i called it incompetent, i really meant rolling calamity." (laughter) but noonan has offered mitt a crucial bit of advice to win this election. "if he is serious he has to put in place a guiding philosophy." so there it is, from noonan, reagan's original wordsmith. but where this late in the campaign will mitt romney find a guiding philosophy? it seems hopeless! so this weekend i pinched out a loaf of hope! (applause) tonight i am proud to introduce my new book "america again: rebecomeing the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) it is fulle market principles and tonight in keeping with those principles my coverage of me talk
then showing a picture of her back in the '80s should really help our show's following. [audience oohs] oh, yes. i know, i know. it sheds twice a year. [laughter] please. i keep waiting for a camera crew to come running out of her pubes to tell me i'm on punk'd. [laughter] now, i know you at home can't see anything, but the studio's response should tell you there's a reason this is completely blurred. and i'm actually shocked that we have enough blur. it's huge. if you want to see the photo-- and i warn you, you don't-- go to make sure you watch next week when the puke kid comes by. who's he? [chuckles] i don't know. i don't want to ruin it, but i'm pretty sure he's gonna puke. good night, you guys. i'll see you next week. yeah! [cheers and applause] thank you. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central (laughter) >> i think i can get america back from those that want to change this country. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. hey! fantastic to have you with us. thank you so much! thank you so much, folks. nation --
@ xn4 shéb ewnowe're a0out to set iapn@]@ b frñr-cre> stephen: welcome back, everybody! later in my show tonight my guest will be claressa shields, the first-ever female olympic gold medalist in boxing. that is my dream job! (laughter) traveling the world punching foreigners in the face. (laughter) this is the sport report. (cheers and applause) nation, a couple weeks back i broke the story about how the n.f.l. owners locked out its union referees and is now using replacements from division 3 college football, high school football, and, i believe, european football. (laughter) in fact, in the last week's jets/dolphins game, both teams got a yellow card for using their hands. (laughter) the n.f.l. is also using several referees that were allegedly fired by the lingerie league for on field incompetent officiating. (laughter) for some reason, after every down they had to watch the slow motion replay. (laughter) but now these replacement refs are getting flak just because their innocent mistakes are determining
mexico, you were also a former u.s. ambassador to the u.n., former secretary of energy, a congressman, a presidential candidate. you were down at the convention, okay. what is the energy like in that room. they're just cranking up the volume, right. it's really not as exciting as it seems like, is it? >> no, steven, it really is exciting. there's dramatic, dramatic drama that-- drama going on. >> dramatic drama. is there going to be tragic tragedy or sorrowful sadness. >> yesterday, with president clinton, michelle obama, julian castro, he was the keynoter at the convention. >> the mayor of -- >> he has been on the show, sure. now let's talk about all the hispanic outreaches that's going on out there. do you guys feel particularly outreached too or-- i'm sorry, what am i doing. dow want some taco bell. would you like? because i want to make sure. >> (cheers and applause) >> you know, because you know, mitt romney is going to ask all you guys to take a run for the border. >> no i know. you know, maybe later. >> this is not -- >> maybe later. >> this is not a good way to appeal to hispa
-hanging fruit, okay, easy pickin 's. second, the liibs are incredibly complex, because the boys are singing, "you don't know whew beautiful. that's what headaches you beautiful" but they've just told the girl she's beautiful. so since she now knows it, she's no longer beautiful. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- stick with me. stick with me. oh, it goes deeper. okay, but she's listening to the song, too. so she knows she's not beautiful. ( laughter ) therefore, following the silliggism of the song, she's instantly beautiful again. it's like an infinite fractal recushion, a flickering quantum state of both hot and not. ( laughter ) i mean, this lyric as iterated algorithm could lead to a whole new musical genre. i call it moebius. which of course would include one direction, and the rapper, m.c. escher. m.c. escher,un, "you know my bo, m.c. escher. folks, he is in the house. and the house is in him. now, besides the vmas, last night there was another gathering of shrieking fan girls, the democratic national convention. of course, all the major media were there. and as such, i want to give
the "u.s.a. today". we deserve better. and of course-- and of course rupert murdoch's conservative "new york post" had him splashed across the lower right 16th edge in what many called the snooki corner. the rest of the page, of course, was dedicated to a more dynamic speaker, an empty chair. (laughter) you see-- you see, folks, the deal is that all week there have been rumors that thursday night would feature a surprise. >> inside the building a new question swirling over one person slated to speak here at the rnc on thursday night. who will it be? it is a mystery speaker. (laughter) given a high profile spot in the schedule, trace gallagher, who could it be? (laughter) >> stephen: yes-- yes, like, like fox news anchors, i believe that this means something good is coming. (laughter) yes, yes, oh, oh, oh, oh, happy anniversary, darling. (laughter) i got you a surprise. here, it's a this psatry i made for you, it's got a mystery filling. so good! now-- yes. who could, who could the mystery speaker be? was it sarah palin? was it hologram ryg an? was it me? sadly no. evidently i learned ho
'm afraid i have some tragic news. jim? >> the financial times reports drought conditions here in the u.s. say that it's destroyed crops used to feed pigs. the pig association says it became too expensive for farmers to buy pig feed so they reduced their herds. the national pig association is reporting of an "unavoidable global bacon shortage." >> stephen: a global bacon shortage! we're all going to die! much later than we thought thanks to the reduced salt and nitrates in our diet. (applause) still, we will all eventually die-- and without bacon in my mouth. (laughter) this is unthinkable! without bacon what will k.f.c. put between the two slices of chicken in the double down? roast beef? that's unnatural! you go to hell. (laughter) well, i for one am going to be ready for the coming a-pork-alypse. (laughter) i am presently building an underground shelter and stocking it with all the salted hog meat i can find. bacon, pancetta, proscuitto, hamhocks, canned ham, john hamm. (laughter) oh-- he looks salty. (laughter) nation, they say that this bacon shortage is caused by global warming and
't get to work because of traffic! (laughter) the event has s a gathering in the international juggalos. with libya in turmoil, syria in flames, iran on the verge of a nuclear weapon, an incredible opportunity for our president not just to address the world community but for some high-level pres-on-pres action. >> the white house says he has no plans to have any private leadings with world leaders. >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, that's-- probably protocol. it's not the time for one-on-one meetings with other world leaders! >> our research shows it's been 20 years since a president has been to that meeting and not met one on one with a foreign leader. (audience reacts). >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, i guess if the world leaders would like to meet with him personally they can just donate $5 to his campaign and take their chances like the rest of us. (laughter) seriously. i'm sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >>
-known liberal bias. that's why the republicans have tried to stop the clock at the 1890's. [laughter] but paul, my man, be smart about this. you keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet. [laughter] you go got taught check with something that's uncheckable. let's take about your hot girlfriend who live in canada. there is no way to verify that. or here's a good one. i only sleep with four hours a night. that's all i need. the point is i don't brag about these things. it goes against the oath of honor i swore to my sense upon achieving my 10th level. this is in portuguese speaking countries. i need these marshall arts skills when i'm creeping around at night creting famous works of art as banksy. [applause] >> stephen: if you don't believe i'm banksy just ask any of any shadow brothers in the illuminate. brothers, let's illuminate paul ryan into office, okay. it's that easy paul. just check yourself before you wreck yourself. ors my sense sivment would say, cobra >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a conservative columnist who has advi
huntsman. stick around. d(eh ,x"qq6q63)m)gáo)sj,x8s6e,x so dude. what is this you're listening to? you need to pump up some jams. c'mon. it's friday. it's time to get this party started. sfx: the tag starts making techno beats with his mouth. wha, ow! mj in the housey-house! tags are annoying. so we got rid of them. new hanes tagless underwear. go tagless. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we continue our conversation with governor, ambassador jon huntsman. governor huntsman, let me ask you something. the rom my campaign has said they are not going to be faking their orders from fact checkers. how important do you think the facts are? to a political campaign .. >> >> stephen: go ahead. >> i would say we talked a little bit, stephen about the fiscal deficit. i would say, i would say that just as corrosive in this country is called the trust deficit. why do we have a trust deficit in this country? >> stephen: because of -- >> i am looking at your highly diverse crowd. >> we have a trust deficit in this country because we are with not getting the straight scoop from our elected offici
castros? can we now end the debate on whether the d.e.m.s are socialists, please? (laughter) and then the headliner, michelle "wait for it" obama. (laughter) oh, i wonder how she got that gig. crony capitalism, solyndra. (laughter) she came out and talked about the president's character, their life together, their children. meow, meow, meow. (laughter) i'm not going to get into a lot of details about her speech because it was very good. (laughter) jim? >> the first lady absolutely delivering here on everybody note. >> as you heard her delivery it was just masterful. >> i think this was... i think the speech of the convention. >> she knocked this house down. >> michelle obama's speech i thought was a brilliant speech, brilliantly delivered. but i didn't buy a line of it. (laughter). >> stephen: yes. brilliant speech, brilliantly delivered, but i don't buy a line of it. jimmy? cut me off a line of it. >> barack knows the american dream because he's lived it. and he wants... (cheers and applause) ... everyone in this country, everyone to have the same opportunity no matter who
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)